when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I didn't notice because vodka
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
