Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
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mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
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He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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