so explain again why im purple
no
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
