Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
