I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
