theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
