i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
