3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
