well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No...this little piggys going to the bar
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
