Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
