I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
