90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
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I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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