"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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