he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
