Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
