I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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