Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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