I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
