I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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