this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
