yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
