We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
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I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
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He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis