I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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