I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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