Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
