At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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