Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Who died my cat blue again?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
