Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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