i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
