Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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