last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
