mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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