so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
