dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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