The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
