When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
