i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
