Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
