Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
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Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
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It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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