Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I see more hoeing in ur future
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
