I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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