I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize