and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
