I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
