I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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