this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Randomize
