I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
