Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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