I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Floor bacon is actually really good
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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