I want to walk on stilts...naked
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
