You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
