I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
