So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
