i would punch a child for taco bell
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
