I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
it's not cheating when I paid for it
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
