around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
